Aminet 1 (Walnut Creek)/Aminet - June 1993 [Walnut Creek].iso/aminet/text/misc/danbarrhumor.lzh/b/b.11

Internet Message Format | 1992-05-04 | 16KB

From: [e-mail] (Dan Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: SUMMARY of BLAZEMONGER suggestions (long)
Date: 28 Oct 91 16:18:42 GMT


    A few weeks ago, I asked the kind, gentle, and overall wonderful
readers of this fine newsgroup to send me suggestions for new features
for the next version of BLAZEMONGER.  Thank you to everyone who replied!!
Thanks to your suggestions, the next version of BLAZEMONGER will be bigger,
better, and MORE VIOLENT than EVER!!!

    Here is a summary of the suggestions, together with my comments (heh
heh).  In addition, the BEST BLAZEMONGER SUGGESTION WINNER is at the end of
this article!!  Yes, you have to read the whole darn thing, you WHINER.

    Our first suggestion comes from Kevin "Mr. Virtual" Whyte
([e-mail]), who asks:

    >Well how about Virtual Reality?  I saw a segment on VR that had a
    >lame shoot your opponent with a pistol before yyou get carried off
    >by a teridactyl(reptilian bird).

    That sounds like a very good idea!  Unfortunately, BLAZEMONGER
doesn't NEED any WIMPY VIRTUAL REALITY!!  BLAZEMONGER gives you *REAL*
REALITY!!  YEAH!!!  When you shoot a monster with your DEATH RAY LASER
CANNON, an ACTUAL ALIEN CREATURE is BLOWN TO BITS on some DISTANT, PEACEFUL
PLANET!!  Hah!  That will teach those aliens not to be so damn peaceful.

    BTW, what's a "lame"???

    Keeping with the theme of virtual and real reality, we have Gregory
R. Block ([e-mail]) who suggests:

    >With a simple attachment (pneumatic drill and jackhammer not
    >supplied), the system can be directly attached to the brain,
    >allowing .0045 milliseconds of awesome experience!  You won't just
    >see or play the game, you'll be in it!!!  Feel the searing heat of
    >a plasma laser ripping through your body!  Jump through acid walls,
    >and watch the flesh drop from your yellowed, brittle bones!  This
    >attachment makes this game COMPLETELY UNSEPARABLE FROM REALITY!  As
    >a matter of fact, it seeks out and destroys reality, replacing it
    >with itself!

    I *LIKE* that!!  Especially the part about the drill and jackhammer.
It might be FUN to do surgery on our clients.

    Our next suggestion comes from David "Aw Ma!!" Navas
([e-mail]), who drawls:

    >Well, shee--ught son, I got puhlenty of them there [idea] thingies
    >just floatin' in the all encompahssing ay-buhndance.

    >Them thar alien things 'r gettin' mighty tired, Mah here suggests
    >you ree-place them with Cmdre middle-management, marketroids,
    >salespeople, and Unix personnal.  H*ll son, if Irving Gould can do
    >it, so can we.  Juhst kick the ole disk ruight into that there ole
    >chunk-chunk drive and fire away....  Teee-erminated, ye-ole'
    >buzzard breath.

    Believe it or not, BLAZEMONGER already has this feature!  Take a
VERY close look at the hoard of slimy, radioactive, tentacled BARF-BREATHERS
that attacks you on level 22,054,239.  Don't they look slightly... well...
PENNSYLVANIAN??  And one of them is wearing a "VISIT SCENIC WEST CHESTER"
T-shirt!!

But David's family isn't through with suggestions yet:

    >Mah son here has a few words that he would lihke to expose.
    >
    >Espouse, dad -- oh nevermind, you went and got the whole thing
    >wrong.  Dan, see I was just noticing all these suspiciously similar
    >names -- OS/2, Windows 3.0, Release 2.0, System 7.0, MS-DOS 5.0.
    >Do you think it's a communist plot?  Or is it just a new product
    >you're developing -- BLAZENAMER or something like that?  "You too
    >can have a fancy sounding package name, including your very own
    >period."  (You'll notice a bug with OS/2 -- apparently a
    >programming error led to a finger slip from the period to the slash
    >key.  We all know that it was originally planned as OS.2)
    >
    >Mom you want to say anything, ma?  Ma, put down the gun, now....
    >
    >Mah, jihst rehlahx, you're havin' a little rehlahpse, don' panick...
    >-----
    >"Evil, sinful, devil devil -- HATE HATE HATE!!!  AAAUGUAUGH Git
    >back the lot of you and I'll blow it away.  It'll eat you alihve,
    >it's hateful, burning, radiation, poison, searing through your
    >head, burning your nostrils into charred remains of black seared
    >carbon, ripping your brain to little tiny..."
    >
    >Mah, no Mah, this ain't a TV, ok?
    >
    >"Huh, what what what?"
    >
    >This ain't a TV, it's a computer, can you say computer, Mom?
    >-----
    >Weauhll, me and the boy, we'll take care of her, dohn' you worry
    >about it.  I guess you won't be able to top the hypnotic
    >mind-numbing effects of TV.  Guess they got the ultimate already...

    Well now, THAT was exciting, wasn't it?!?  I think I got an idea
for a whole new BLAZEMONGER level from that little interchange. :-)

    Next, we have "Norman St. John Polevaulter" ([e-mail]),
who, for the last few years, has been... uh... wait a minute.  Wrong
sketch.  Hmm... I think I'll have to check through our "Registered Users"
database to see if this name actually is in there.... :-)

    >I want to see hard disk installation in the next version of
    >BLAZEMONGER.  Like, you can install your hard disk into a '67
    >Chevy, or something.
    >
    >Also it should run properly on A3000's. (I booted up my copy of
    >BLAZEMONGER III and it flashed "GAME OVER" on the screen like
    >usual... then my computer EXPLODED! The fire destroyed my room and
    >I was in the hospital for weeks!  Is this a bug?) Plus I think you
    >should get rid of the "look up the series of digits in the decimal
    >expansion of pi" protection. Not that the decimal expansion of pi
    >isn't fascinating reading material in and of itself, but two hours
    >for copy protection is a bit excessive, isn't it?
    >
    >And while you're at it can you port it to the VIC 20 and SuperPET?
    >Thanks.  Oh yeah, one more thing -- last time I called the Customer
    >Service Department to complain about the way BLAZEMONGER doesn't
    >multitask, they didn't give me any satisfaction (although they did
    >send two guys named Luigi and Vito around to break my legs.) Can
    >you look into this?

    Sorry, but Luigi and Vito were acting correctly in this case.  If
you look in your BLAZEMONGER manual, Chapter 238 ("Legalities"), it clearly
states that BLAZEMONGER INC. is permitted and even ENCOURAGED to break your
legs if it so desires.  Just be glad that our licensing agreement isn't as
strict as the one for AMIGA UNIX!  Can you imagine the TRAGEDY if
BLAZEMONGER didn't let you play with more than 2 users?!?

    We received a porting suggestion from Todd "Mac Weenie" Green
([e-mail]) who requests:

    >As you may well know, the Mac game arena is in dire need for a good
    >game, I think the next version should be ported to the Mac.  Of
    >course I want it to emulate all the Amiga custom chips in software,
    >without lossing _any_ of it's speed.  I want it to FLY!!!  To prove
    >once and for all that the Amiga rules, and it's programmers are the
    >only true programmers. Of course I want this done yesterday.

    Todd, I think that Macintosh of yours has INFESTED YOUR BRAIN.
Your ONLY HOPE OF SALVATION is to seek out David Navas's "Mah" [see above]
and PRAY FOR FORGIVENESS.

    And speaking of porting BLAZEMONGER, Brent SomethingOrOther
([e-mail]) is sick and tired of the whole issue:

    >OK Dan, enough of this talk about porting BLAZEMONGER to other
    >platforms from the Amiga.  If the programmers were really good,
    >they could turn the other platforms into an Amiga!  This would be
    >really nice for Joe consumer since he wouldn't have to scrap his
    >almost worthless 50Mz 486 & buy an Amiga to play BLAZEMONGER & use
    >all the other neat Amiga software out there on the market.  Now
    >we're not talking emulation here.  I mean, Joe consumer could kiss
    >that MS-stuff out the window & do some real computing then!

    Next, Harold H. Ipolyi ([e-mail]) gave us some
keen insight into the Middle-Eastern computer game market, with the
humble suggestion to

    >BLAST SADDAM, of course!

    Daniel Ortmann ([e-mail]) went so far as to give
us a complete commercial for a BLAZEMONGER-equipped AMIGA:

    >Imagine a commercial where a boy is stolling down a grayish street,
    >from a grayish school, in grayish drab clothes.  He is blowing gray
    >bubble gum.  He enters his gray home plugs in his BORING gray
    >Nintendo and is slouched back in his seat while playing a "Marios
    >Bros."  (The machine has been hacked to half the usually slow
    >speed.)
    >[...]
    >In his boredom he looks out the window to see the kid from across
    >the street whizzing toward home on bright neon colored
    >in-line-skates.  [The cool kid boots his computer and] starts up a
    >fighter-plane simulation.  ...we see the cool kid rocket through
    >the skylight of his home in his ejection seat!  The boring kid is
    >startled awake (with mario bros going still on in the background).
    >He looks out the window to see the cool kid parachuting to earth!
    >The gaping hole in the house's skylight is clearly evident.
    >...cool kids mom yells "You forgot to open the skylight again,
    >didn't you!?"

    Personally, Daniel (great name, BTW), I don't think this commercial
will fly.  [Har har har.]  After all, who in their RIGHT MIND can get
excited about a WIMPY FLIGHT SIMULATOR... EVEN one that ejects your body
through the ROOF at HIGH VELOCITY.  BLAZEMONGER is the only REAL game for
the AMIGA!!

    In fact, I'll bet that Ethan Solomita would accuse this commercial
of using SUBLIMINAL ADVERTISING to convince WIMPY NINTENDO OWNERS that
their machines are GREY, and that Commodore prices are going to go THROUGH
THE ROOF.  But what do I know.

    Our next suggestion comes from Rick "I Want To Eat Burnt, Dead
Bodies" Blewitt ([e-mail]) who says, in no uncertain terms,
that he craves:

    >More VIOLENCE, I mean at least 1 out of every 10 frames of the
    >original BLAZEMONGER did not have detailed pictures of some
    >character getting horribly mutilated in some unspeakable way.  I
    >mean I want to see BLOOD and lots of it, I want to see it on the
    >screen, on the keyboard, spurting from the mouse, and being sent
    >through my modem and into the phones of all my friends and while
    >we're at it to PETA HQ as well!!  Yes, I want it SO VIOLENT that
    >I have to fill out POLICE REPORTS after every game!!!!

    OK, Rick, you asked for it!  The next version of BLAZEMONGER will
come with a HOSE ATTACHMENT that you connect from YOUR LEG to the computer!
Every time a character is injured, your blood and bone marrow will be SUCKED
VIOLENTLY up through the hose and out through the DISK DRIVE, RIGHT INTO
YOUR FACE!!  WHAT MORE COULD YOU ASK FOR?!?!?!?!?!?  HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

    Roger Uzun ([e-mail]) takes a different approach.
Everybody knows that BLAZEMONGER doesn't multitask and forces you to
boot on its INDESTRUCTABLE original game disk.  But it bothers Roger
that some people with more powerful Amigas can even TRY to run the
game!

    >My suggestion is that the next step is to have BLAZEMONGER convert
    >any system it is booted on into the equivalent of a single floppy,
    >512k Amiga 500 from that point on, and prohibit all multitasking
    >from that point on.  In other words, even if the owner of the
    >'perverted' Amiga machine reboots, or powers off then on again, his
    >machine will be effectively reduced to a single floppy 512k A500
    >for the rest of its days, and will not allow any form of
    >multitasking.
    >
    >That will teach them who the 'power users' really are!

    Good idea, Roger!  Would you like to volunteer to be a BETA TESTER
for this new feature?  You supply the machine....

    Ives Aerts ([e-mail]) wants more
multi-player options:

    >How about adding some fantastic NULL-modem option so we can all
    >blazemonge together ? Off course that would have to be an
    >EVEN-LESS-THAN-NULL-modem since the game is going so fast that
    >you don't really need all those cables ...

    You know, Ives, I *really* like the way you made "BLAZEMONGER"
into a verb!  "To blazemonge"... yeah, I like it I like it!!  I'll contact
Webster's Dictionary immediately!

    Finally, we have 2 users who suggested ENTIRELY NEW PRODUCTS for
the BLAZEMONGER line.  First, K. C. Lee ([e-mail]) writes:

    >I haven't have the chance to play around with the latest
    >BLAZEMONGER, but this is what a have in mind.  Introducing the
    >ultimate ultra greatest tech breakthrough ....  M I N D M O N G E R
    >(simply awersome)
    >
    >Have you ever got too much time on your hands or that you can't
    >affort or smart enough to use computer brand A ?  Do you find
    >spending days and nights writing flame articles on
    >comp.sys.computer_a interfere with your social life.  You NEED
    >MINDMONGER.  We here at BLAZEMONGER, INCORPORATED have finally make
    >the technological breakthrough that allows you to play MINDMONGER
    >in your mind WITHOUT the use of a computer.  MINDMONGER runs in
    >your brain so you can play it wherever you go.  It is so amazingly
    >smart that it would play the game by itself even when you are
    >asleep or out of your mind.  Call now to get your copy of
    >MINDMONGER !!

and then Per Bojsen ([e-mail]) writes:

    >This is not exactly an idea for the new version of Blazemonger...
    >oops, BLAZEMONGER, but rather an idea for a new product in the
    >*MONGER series:
    >
    >                       H Y P E M O N G E R
    >
    >This product is similar to PHRASEMONGER in that you give it a few
    >keywords such as the name of your product, and then press a button
    >to generate a highly hyped description of the product.  A special
    >mode of HYPEMONGER is where you feed it the hype of your
    >competition (perhaps combined with PHRASEMONGER?) in order to
    >generate hype that renders the competition's products completely
    >ridiculous (at best).
    >
    >Wanna try HYPEMONGER on BLAZEMONGER? :-)
    >
    >A point of warning: Don't try to feed HYPEMONGER output back into
    >HYPEMONGER . . .

Thanks, folks!!  We'll try to get MINDMONGER and HYPEMONGER into the stores
as soon as possible!!

                ***********

    And now... the BEST BLAZEMONGER SUGGESTION WINNER!!  Congratulations
and a BIG, WET KISS ON THE LIPS OF A SLIMY BARF-BREATHER go to "Name
Unknown" (motcid!green![e-mail]) who suggests:

    >Dan, how about the next version of BLAZEMONGER will do what
    >you thought you told it to do instead what you told it.  Also
    >if you play it at work, it will at random either improve your
    >job performance review, degrade it, degrade your boss's review,
    >or permanently brain damage your offspring or give you a severe case
    >of constipation.  While dwelling on features how about it making all
    >users take a brain transplant from amorous mink.

    Well, there you have it!!  Thanks again for all the wonderful
suggestions!  BLAZEMONGER MMMDDCCLXVII will definitely incorporate many or
all of them.  And just to show our gratitude, all of you will be sent a
FREE COPY of the new version once it becomes available.  Be sure to try
out Roger Uzun's feature right away!!

                                                        Dan

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| Dan Barrett -- Grad student, Department of Computer & Information Science |
| University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA  01003  --  [e-mail] |
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Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any
publication without the written permission of the author.